CROYUS - The Father of Fathercology

And he brought Ms. Garrison with him!

So I was over at the parents cleaning out their gutters (good times, good times) and I started to think about drinking; drinking a lot. So I decided to go home and:

• drink myself retarded.
• drink until my relatives were drunk.
• drink until I was peeing beer.
• drink until my blood was a low grade perservative.
• drink until the cats started to think I looked good.
• drink myself to a special place in Minnesota.
• drink Thor’s horn.
• drink until I was legally a distillery.
• drink until I understood South Dakota (where the men are men and the sheep are scared).
• drink myself Bea Arthur drunk (I’m not sure if that is where she looks good or I find the Golden Girls erotic).

So the wife volunteered me for the Des Moines Art Festival. For the unintiated, it’s a three day event which  actually is pretty huge. On Saturday there is the farmers market as well. In other words, downtown Des Moines is hopping.

Anyway, I’m writing this as I stand in booth making sure nothing disappears while the artist, Jon Kamrath, does a demo of his ceramics. As a guy, we often get asked to do things that we might not otherwise do. At the Art Festival, my wife was nice enough to pimp out my height to help anyone who was rolling up or taking down their tent. Such a nice pimp. She kept her pimp hand strong!

Anyway, the reality is it was a good day. The sculptures were adequatly nice, and the people watching was kind of fun. It turns out that the hip people hang out at the downtown art show. The fat overweight people hang at the one at the fairgrounds. We went to both, and I’m relatively sure the art downtown was more intersting. At least it was more dangerous. The wind made things more intersting.

The day ended with my wife and I  red faced. It’s either the sun or… nope, it was the sun. Fricking burnt!

1. Always important that when a horse is sniffing your crotch, you unequivoicably convince the horse that it is not a carrot.
2. Tori Amos sings Slayer beautifully. I want to hear her sing Piece by Piece.
3. The hills have eyes… wait, those are boobs.
4. Why don’t I shutter at the thought of a shutter?
5. Do fish sweat?
6. Time Enough For Love by Robert Heinlein was the greatest book that was ever written, but the only line I can remember is : “Rub her feet.”
7. Opps, wait. Now I remembers. Gamate meets gamate and makes zygote. Thus, the meaning of life.
8. Arche in ancient Greece was the alixir of life. Or what life was derived from. Thales thought it was water. I think it is the egg before the chicken. In other words, what preceeds us defines us. Of course, it is our own choice if wqe drink the water to spit it out.
9. There is something intoxicating about Amanda Palmer’s voice which remind me to set my clocks forward. “Life is no caberat…”

she would say, “Do it again. That was awesome!”

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• I hate movie theatres and I’m not sure why? Maybe because the last movie I saw was Dave Chapelle’s Half Baked and I was the only one to get the pearl necklace joke.

• I’m going to start writing my book again which means I will achieve new heights of procrastination, I.e. perhaps the lawn needs swept. It looks dusty.

• I think the internet is a great thing. The fact that it can be used for porn just makes it that much nicer.

• Trust no one who says they are a sales man. Their first priority is selling and not be trustworthy.

• Don’t trust any customer service person you talk to unless they seem as pissed as you. Of course they should not be pissed at you, but be pissed they have to talk to you due to their companies issues.

• So I had a Chipotle burrito for lunch and it was over 1300 calories… getting fat and having a heart attack
  never tasted so good.
  

A couple weeks ago my celluar contract ran out, so my lovely wife told me I had to get an AT&T phone, since he iPhone was not going anywhere. Reluctantly, I concourred and we went to the store. I got an Tilt which has Windows Mobile 6 on it.

It is the anti-iPhone.

Ok, this is a lame post, but I’m typing it on my phone. Let’s see the wife do that on her iPhone.

Yes today is my annual participation in the Dam to Dam. It’s an  annual rite where I run 12.3 miles to a place where they have beer. Myself, and 5,000 other people will start at a Dam 12.3 miles from downtown Des Moines and run through the countryside on our way to a really big party.
This is my fourth year running and each year I have a top 10 personal finish. This year will be no different. The one thing I have found is that my training methods have gotten steadily worse. The first year, I actually did not drink for 3 months and ran allot. Then, each passing year I ran less and drank more. Last year I was working so much that I hardly drank, but only walked flights of stairs at work for training. This year I dug post holes and put up a fence.
What does this mean?

It mean that I will run 12.3 miles today because running that distance is more about my mind having a goal and making my body tag along with it. Around mile marker 8, my right knee should start bitching at me and by mile marker 8.2, I’ll be skipping to try and not use my right leg. Only 4 more miles to go!

After the race is when all my training will not pay off. I’ll be as mobile as a rock. My only solace is that there is a beer at the party and after Xoe’s soccer game (which I will have to walk down and up a hill), I’ll sit on the back porch and drink beer. I’ll stare at my lushish dandelion lawn and remember my exploits while asking one of my children for another beer (that’s why I had them).
On Monday, I’ll be mobile but will resemble something of myself when I am old (say 38). My friend Cordell who has been running to train will make fun of me as he bounds effortlessly around the office. I’ll watch him and think to myself I should train better.. “Next year,” I will say to myself. “Next year, I manually dig a lake in my back yard. That will ensure a top 10 personnel best!”
Damn!