The father of Fathercology - Humorous observations of all things dad

iPhone… Day Zero

The horror. The ultimate horror.

I have to back track. You see, when I met my wife she had a Mac laptop. Can you imagine? I know, I was disgusted too. I was a Microsoft guy, studied to be a MCP and programmed on the Window’s platform. I convinced her that a PC was the way to go. She ditched the laptop and got a Windows 95 screamer machine.

Well, my first smart phone was an AT&T Tilt… let me back track. I always got the free phone. It was thrill 4 years ago when my free phone came with a camera. Imagine. 10 years of free phone which had a call button and then suddenly had a picture button. The thrill was immense.

After swapping free phones and ditching my land line, which we did in 2000, 2 years ago I ended up with the Tilt. Yes, the iPhone just came out and my wife had one. But I couldn’t bring myself to get an… an … Apple product. So I got the Tilt with its stylus and it’s x number of ways to do something…

After 2 years of putting up with x number of ways to do something, I decided, I can’t pretend anymore. When you can’t call anyone on your contacts list without whipping out the stylus, you know your phone sucks. I couldn’t surf YouTube. The sales guy said I could get Pandora… and of course, I can’t. Windows Mobile is a powerful thing, but when you can’t watch flash movies and dial my wife without wrecking the frickin car, Whitney Houston we have a problem.

Tomorrow, I’ll go to stand in line to get my new iPhone 3GS. I’ll get there at 6:30 a.m and think back at the time I stood in line for daycare enrollment at 5 am in Rochester MN in winter.. What the F%$&^ amI thinking?

But tomorrow, I’ll be able to see YouTube, listen to Pandora, call someone without using 3 hands.

Somehow, I’ll still feel dirty.

Iowa, Gay Marriage

Um. Wow. My kids get to see a black man win the caucuses and move into the white house. And now, if they turn out gay, they get to get married. Freaky state Iowa. Weird. I would have never known. Kinda really happy now.

Goat Babies

Hey, It’s my blog. I can post what I want.

family

I’m planning on bottle feeding some.

Run Drunk Boy, Run

Have you ever ran. It’s an amazing experience. And I’m not talking about running to the store… or running to catch a bus. I’m talking about running a long distance. Yes, it’s relative, but for me it is over a 2 miles.

Today, I ran three. It was amazing. The road beneath my feet. The air in my lungs. The small dwarf named Lucas Mucus which I hacked up in the course of the first mile.

God, the first run after football season sucks bigger donkey phalluses’ more than watching the Browns during the football season.

It was 50 today and a wondrous day to run through the snow melt. It’s the earliest I have ever ran since I have been in Iowa. But I have my reasons for the mid-winter run. I must train. Yes, I must run. Every June I participate in this thing called the Dam to Damand every year I finish it and survive enough to drink the Coors Light at the end of the race. But every year I have done it so far, I have never actually trained for it.

This year shall be different.

This year, I’m planning on doing more races. Doing better times. Being able to move the next day.

Thus, my goal for the first race of the season shall be to finish the 13.2 mile trek in under 2 hours. I have never done it, but that’s because I have never actually trained for it. I mean last tear, I built a frickin fence instead of running. The fact that I finished the race faster than Cordell Key who is 8 years my junior only proves my devotion to Chipotle burritos (loser has to buy lunch). This year, Cordell has been exported to China (was it shame to losing to me?) so the only competition I have left is myself.

Every year I finish the race in my personal top 10 (I’ve ran it 4 times). This year, I’m going for number one. And I’m hoping I least beat Lucas. But he’s a fast fuck.

Super Bowl Pick

For some reason, man needs to watch football. Did you ever wonder why all the men in the world watch Football. Sure some is soccer, but everywhere you go, men are watching football. In America, we don’t have the World Cup. We have the Super Bowl.

So every year, we sit down and what two teams that more than likely are not our favorite team to see who can win one game which usually ends up boring. Think of it. The best part of the Super Bowl is the commercials. Kind of silly.

With that said, the researchers at Fathercology have figured out how to improve your Super Bowl viewing experience.

Announcer Cliche Drinking Game

Yes, every time you hear one of the following words and phrases, you must drink. If you start during pre-game, you could be trashed before kick off .

Boss
Rams
Future Hall of Famer
Barnstormer
His hair
Pirate Ship
Groin
Held it too long
Groceries
And the word that will require you to chug… Brenda.

Oh, and the Cardinals will shut out the Steelers 18-0. Why not?

Great Moments in Iowa’s History

At least it doesn’t say it happened last year… that’s when Des Moines got its first Chipotle.

Not a burrito

Death Metal PBS

I don’t care what they are supposed to be… they look like nut sacks to me.

Who wants to work in information technology? It’s fabulous!

The truth about working in the IT industry:

1. We work weird (night) shifts…
Just like prostitutes.

2. They pay you to make the client happy…
Just like a prostitute.

3. The client pays a lot of money, but your employer
keeps almost every penny…
Just like a prostitute.

4. You are rewarded for fulfilling the client’s dreams…
Just like a prostitute.

5. Your friends fall apart and you end up hanging out
with people in the same profession as you…
Just like a prostitute.

6. When you have to meet the client you always have to
be perfectly groomed…
Just like a prostitute.

7. But when you go back home it seems like you are
coming back from hell…
Just like a prostitute.

8. The client always wants to pay less but expects
incredible things from you…
Just like a prostitute.

9. When people ask you about your job, you have
difficulties to explain it…
Just like a prostitute.

10. Everyday when you wake up, you say: “I’m not going
to spend the rest of my life doing this.”
Just like a prostitute ……..

Thanks http://dystopia.ro

Grill skillz

When I was in grad school, I worked at Wendy’s. And this was the training video… circa 1990. After I stopped making fun of it, they had me cook breakfast. But I still press the meat in all 4 corners.. Cause I gots GRILL SKILLZ!